The Mom, Not-Mom Diary

Sometimes I read about caregivers describing victims of dementia as Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde or the Good-Mom / Bad-Mom.  Our Mom has begun the Long Good-Bye of dementia and we do not know how much longer she will be the Mom we have known, loved, quarreled with, hugged, and now care for. Sometimes the dementia takes hold and its almost as if her mind has stepped outside for a while and left only the alarm system engaged. At those times she doesn’t really seem like our Mom. She looks like our Mom, dresses like Mom, but has mysteriously changed into this odd little woman who seems familiar and we think “Surely this person is not really our Mom.” She’s Not-Mom. As I chronicle this journey I realize my siblings, our Mom, and I are starting along a path none of us has ever taken. Others have passed this way before and thankfully left helpful signposts so we don’t stray too far. Some call words of encouragement from afar. But the actual day-to-day passage is ours to tread.  I beg in advance your indulgence for my clumsy attempts to express what we – my siblings, Mom, spouses, and I – are experiencing. I am writing this for us. We are the frogs in the pan on the stove. The flame is slowly being turned up and we are gently cooking before we even know it. Recording our halting steps along this path is one way of remembering what it was like when the water was cooler. Like our pioneer ancestors, we can sing as we walk. The journey will be hard. We will get discouraged. But there is also much joy, hope, and unexpected good fortune on this trail. I pray we will look back on this journey someday with gratitude for the blessings it has brought to our lives. One day Mom will join our Dad on the Other Side, completely free from the mental chains of dementia. When it’s our turn to make that Final Passage, we will meet her there and enjoy our Mom – our whole, 110%, vibrant, independent, feisty, loving, caring Mom – once again.